If I hear someone tell me one more time, “Sarah when you meet your future husband you’ll just know.” I may try to ACTUALLY attack them
Will a light go off in my brain?
Will he be turning his head a certain way?
Will I see our future kids when I look into his dreamy eyes?…(maybe)
What is IT? Obviously some sort of magic happens when you meet your future husband…right? But what if I already thought that I kinda felt it before? Then I’m like PSYYYYYYYCH it’s not that guy!
So what do I do then?
What should I do then?
I convince myself he exists, in convincing myself of this, I’ve believed that God owes me that much.
I used to wonder what was going through God’s mind when He hears that thought in my head…how much pain I was causing just by not being thankful for what I have, and even thinking that God owed ME something?
“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11.
This Psalm burned in my brain when I read it. ‘Is it not a good thing to get married?…Is it not a good thing for ME to get married?’ I ask myself all the time ‘what’s wrong with me?’ I mean obviously it’s not good for me to be married, so I have to prepare now to be alone forever. I’ve spent long nights in tears: angry, frustrated, confused, sad…all because I had convinced myself that every time a guy broke my heart, every time a guy told me “you’re my friend,” every time I watched all of my siblings and friends get into relationships (or even a person of the opposite sex have feelings for them) it was a sign…a long road preparing me for lifelong singleness.
I’m only 21 and I’ve watched 15 year old’s holding hands with their boyfriends, 18 year old’s walk down the aisle toward the love of their life…and 20 year old’s lovingly looking into the eyes of their first child. My heart grew dark with envy and jealousy. I stayed off social media “that’ll help” I told myself. If I can’t see the pictures or posts I won’t feel anything…then sooner or later I’ll accept the fact that I’m going to be single forever.
I was wrong to assume that my problem lied within Facebook. My problem lay within my heart. Even when I stayed off for two weeks at a time, my thoughts never stopped. I was just so angry with God, and what He was putting me through (because God TEMPTS us to sin right?…WRONG!)….
(to be continued)