“and tell Bernice hello…”

“Oh Lord, help us.”

Those were my Dad’s first words when my sister and I walked into the hospital room, weeping, to say goodbye to Mom, who was already in Jesus’ presence by this point. On the drive home from the hospital at 2 in the morning I told God I never want to feel this kind of sorrow again. Everyday I wake up I think about her, at night I have dreams that she’s still alive, and I wake up again feeling the same heartbreak I felt the day before. It is still fresh and I already know it will be on my mind every single day until Christ returns or He calls me home. This is a grief that many will try to relate to in the hopes of making us feel better, but can’t do it well if they’ve never walked through it. I have a special thank you to the ones who have walked through this pain, they’ve been encouraging to me, and then for the listeners; those who know they can’t relate so they listen instead, thank you. I’m learning to be a listener, I’m not very good at it, but now I’m realizing it is something that I need much growth in because listeners are so necessary.

“How long Father?”

I said this over and over again after we lost our first son in 2018, very suddenly and inexplicably, and had to spend almost a whole year of watching my friends give birth or share their pregnancy announcements while I had doctor’s telling me I would now have much difficulty, if any “luck”, getting pregnant again; thankfully they were wrong. But now I ask again, how long Father? How long have you called me on the earth without my dear mother? The realization that I may be on earth longer without her than with her makes me uncomfortable and brings me to tears, again. She wouldn’t want me to be this sorrowful. She’d want me to remind myself that I will see her again, I am sure of that, but this in between is uncomfortable. It’s the new normal, and I don’t like it. I don’t want this to be the new normal. I have a husband and children now, and that’s what I know my Mom would want me to invest my time and resources in, because that’s what she did for us. She made sure, even if we didn’t believe it, that we knew who Christ was, why He came, what our life goal is, and what would be waiting for us when we die if we accept or reject Him. I know the answers to these questions like the back of my hand, and that’s because she completed her task of training her children in the Word.

“I’m not ready.”

The day Mom passed I remember saying this several times. I had been thinking it the whole week before and even told Luke “I can’t live without my Mom, I’m not ready.” Luke told me, “everything your Mom taught you was to prepare for you to live without her.” He was right, Mom had helped Dad in raising us, she taught us our school, she taught us about Christ, and prepared us for a world that’s quickly becoming more evil. Luke reminded me that if I’m not ready for my Mom to not be here she would be disappointed because that was what she spent all those years teaching us: how to live without her. I could hear her through his words. Instead of the words “I’m not ready” I think better words would be “I don’t want to”, “I don’t want to live without my Mom.” but if 30 weeks in BSF studying the Divided Kingdom of Israel and Judah has taught me anything, it’s not about what we want, it’s about God, and what He wills, wants, and what will bring Him the most glory. This is how my Mom lived her life, and if she had a life quote, it was; “He is able,” but the thing about that statement is it says He is, it doesn’t guarantee that He will, and in our case He didn’t, but what is a guarantee is that she is with Him, and I will see her again, and that I know am ready for.

“and tell Bernice hello…”

Sometimes in my lowest points when I’m praying to God in tears I’ll say, “God would you tell Mom that I miss her and I can’t wait to see her?” My Granddad did it all the time after my Grandmother passed, at the end of every prayer he’d say “and tell Bernice hello.” It would make me smile, but now I understand why he did that. Does God do it? Who knows, and why should that matter if He does or doesn’t? I know these things to be true: 1. God is real and He is in Heaven. 2. Mom lived her life as Christ’s example, and God promised when we die that we would immediately be in His presence. So if He’s there, so is she. Maybe He does tell her and maybe He doesn’t, but in those moments when I ask Him I just feel His peace because I know, I’m not sure when, but I know that I will get to see her again and be able to finally tell her that I missed her here on earth.

“I’ll see you next time.”

Those were the last words I heard from my Mom before she passed, I had just brought both my boys to her to give her a hug. While her death was extremely sudden, in that moment when I heard her say that I knew that would be the last time I’d see her on this side of Heaven. The drive home, the getting home and waiting to hear the news felt like a lifetime. One of my beloved Sunday School teachers and Elders at my Dad’s church often told us for Christians, “it’s never goodbye, it’s see you later.” Mom knew that, but she wasn’t talking to me, she was talking to her grandson’s. She died not knowing if her grandson’s would see her again, but I’m sure in that moment she believed that God would save them; and like Abraham getting ready to sacrifice his own son, he knew God’s promise to make him a nation, so he knew God would provide. God made no such promise to Mom about her grandson’s, or even her own children, but she believed He could so we will continue her prayers for their salvation and as their mother I will teach them as she taught me, of the importance of God, His Word, and our walk with Him; it’s a matter of life and death and should trump all other responsibilities in life. She may not have known if this was the last time she’d see them or not but she knew she didn’t have to worry. If they belong to God He will bring them to Himself in His time.

“He’s back.”

Maybe God tells His saints in Heaven of things happening on earth, maybe He doesn’t, but I imagine if He does, He would inform Mom that Dad made it back to the pulpit, he’s doing what he loves, and she would say “yes! That’s where he needs to be, there are many more who need to hear the truth. I’m glad he didn’t stay away just because I’m not sitting below. This is where you called him Father, and this is where he’ll stay until you call him here.” I’m a sucker for love stories, long distance especially, that long anticipating wait until the couple is finally united. God says in His Word that there will be no marriage in Heaven, but I know tears will be shed when my parents are finally reunited after this long wait. Until then, Dad, this is where Mom would want you to be, I don’t believe she’s looking down to watch, but perhaps God informed her of your return to Berean, where you belong, preaching His Word and bringing many souls to His presence, whether they beat you there or not, you are doing what Mom would’ve wanted you to do; which is what God called you to do.

I’ll end again with oh Lord help us. We need You, we need your comfort, love, and grace to live without Mom. Our heartbeat; the chain that kept all of us together was yanked away and we, as the charms, fell to the ground, bounced, and spread out; we need you to hold us together without our chain. We know you can and we know you will. Pray for us still, every day is one day further from her here but one day closer to Eternity.